


the last time

by ohcinnamon



Category: Smosh
Genre: Angst, F/F, sexual relationship implied but no explicit content, why can i only write angst when it comes to courtivia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-10 00:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16459691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohcinnamon/pseuds/ohcinnamon
Summary: It feels final, like this is the grand finale and she’s left standing alone, feeling empty after the grandeur of the fireworks display. And she wants nothing more to go home, but she’s not exactly sure where home is, now.





	the last time

**Author's Note:**

> so apparently writing courtivia angst at 2 am is my specialty? oops
> 
> (title from “sex” by eden)

Olivia pulls a t-shirt over her head in the darkness, suddenly tired, and rolls over to her side of Courtney’s bed. She’s vaguely aware of Courtney doing the same thing on her side — familiar with how she digs through her nightstand drawer to find a cleaner pair of underwear, how she rubs her eyes when she’s tired, how blissed out she gets after every time they do this.

She knows it by now. This is routine.

Except this time Courtney sticks to her side of the bed, an aura of anxiety radiating from her. This is new. Usually she’s the one to inch her way into Olivia’s space, to wrap her up in her arms and sigh with content and fall asleep. At least, that’s what they used to do. This time… as much as Olivia doesn’t want to admit it to herself, it feels different.

It feels final, like this is the grand finale and she’s left standing alone, feeling empty after the grandeur of the fireworks display. And she wants nothing more to go home, but she’s not exactly sure where home is, now. She used to think it was here, in Courtney’s bedroom, sharing giggles between presses of lips and whispered promises, but she’s starting to rethink everything she thought she knew. It’s terrifying.

“How’s Boze?” Olivia asks, trying to make small talk, not masking the jealousy in her voice well. She wants Courtney to be happy, that much is true. She also wants to be the one who gets to make her happy. “You two have been hanging out a lot lately.”

Olivia doesn’t see Courtney flinch in the darkness, but she can feel it. They can sense each other’s motions through the rickety old bed springs. “She’s good,” Courtney says, feigning nonchalance. “We’ve gotten a lot closer than I initially expected. It’s nice.”

“That’s good,” Olivia says, frozen in place. She wants to reach out for Courtney, to wrap herself around her and claim her as her own, but she can’t. She knows she can’t. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. “I’m glad.”

“Me too.”

They lay in the quiet for a while, just breathing and being too fucking afraid to say anything. It feels cowardly, not to say what she knows both of them are thinking. It feels dishonest. _This is it. Just break my heart already, don’t drag it out. Crush me. Let me go._

And then Courtney breaks the silence.

“Liv… what you said earlier. About Boze. I need to tell you something.” Her voice is quiet, almost guilty, and there it fucking is. She was right. “I don’t think you and I should keep doing this. I’m sorry.”

And Olivia can’t be mad, is the thing. Because they were never technically _together_ together, they were just fooling around. It was just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. That was the promise they made. She shouldn’t have let herself get so attached. “Yeah? Why is that?”

“I… Boze and I. We. We have a date, I think, next week,” Courtney mumbles, her voice small and scared. It hurts, to think that Courtney could ever be so afraid of telling her something important to her, but she gets it. She gets how this is going to change things for the both of them. “And I don’t think we should still be doing this when… I might be pursuing something there. It wouldn’t feel right.”

“ _Oh,”_  Olivia says, feeling like the wind’s been knocked out of her. She saw it coming, but to hear it out loud is another story. She sits up slowly, feeling everything around her start to go blurry. “I understand.”

“I care about you so much,” Courtney blurts out, sitting upright suddenly. She sounds more frantic now, like she might regret saying this to Olivia so soon. “I really do. I never want to see you hurt. I never expected for this to happen. I never meant for anything to interrupt the arrangement we had, I promise. You’ve got to believe me when I say I only want the best for you, and I don’t think it’s me anymore.”

Courtney’s telling the truth, and that’s what hurts more than anything.

“I think I need to go,” Olivia murmurs, swinging her legs out of bed. Her knees are wobbly, and she prays to everything above that they don’t give out under her. Not in front of Courtney. The universe owes her that favor after this cruelty, at least. “Do you know where my pants are?”

“Liv, _please_ ,” Courtney begs, and there’s a hint of a tremble in her voice, like she could start crying at any second. It splits Olivia open along fault lines she didn’t even know she had. “You know you mean so much to me. I think so highly of you. You’re one of my best friends. I don’t want our friendship to be ruined because we’re not… doing _this_ anymore.”

“It’ll be okay,” Olivia lies through her teeth, feeling her stomach plunge. She plasters on a fake smile, holding back the tears burning behind her eyes, and turns to pull on her jeans so that she doesn’t have to look at her anymore. “We’ll be fine, Court. I’m happy for you. I really am.”

“Please don’t leave,” Courtney whispers, sounding so defeated. It fucking stings, because when she sounds like this, Olivia’s normally the one who would gather her up, soothe her, put the pieces back together. Every instinct in her is crying out to walk back to the bed, to say _I’m here, I’m here, it’s okay, let it out, I’ve got you,_ but it’s not like that anymore. She’s not allowed to do that anymore, and it shatters her heart. “Stay with me just for tonight. Please.”

“I’ll see you at work on Monday,” Olivia responds, grabbing her keys from the dresser. “Call me if you need me.”

She leaves alone, locks Courtney’s front door behind her, and makes it to her car before she bursts into tears. She fights the urge to walk back inside for twenty minutes, sobbing into her steering wheel, before turning on her car and making her way home in a half-numb haze. Keith and Noah come to be with her the next day, ice cream and movies in hand, and she sleeps through most of the day. It’s the only way to get through it.

It feels like breaking up, _aches_ like heartbreak, even though they hadn’t been in an official relationship in the first place. Seeing Courtney with Boze feels like a knife to the chest, but… Courtney’s happy. That’s all that matters. Their arrangement hadn’t been fair to either of them. It’s probably for the best, leaving what they used to be in the past.

The next week, Olivia agrees to go out with Sam, a relatively nice guy that Shayne had been trying to set her up with. And she pretends at moving on.


End file.
